Fighting Fair

Healthy Communication

Ah, communication... In my practice, this tends to be the number one complaint couples give. It’s nice and benign and broad, but rarely is communication the real problem in most relationships. It’s definitely a problem, but it’s usually a symptom of a deeper issue.

Maybe he doesn’t feel respected or that anything he does is ever good enough and maybe she doesn’t feel loved. Maybe they have poor boundaries and have allowed others into their marriage either physically or emotionally somehow. Perhaps they don’t feel “in-love” anymore or they just don’t like each other. Or, they haven’t forgiven each other and resentment has poisoned their marriage…It could be anything.

However, I still help clients with their conflict resolution skills first and listen for the deeper issues in that process. I figure out what they normally fight about. Not surprisingly, I find that most folks have the same fight over and over again (same song, different verse). Rather than get caught up in their individual fights, I try to understand what is really being said in those fights. Instead of, “you never take me out on dates anymore!!” what she may be actually saying is, “I feel unloved, unimportant, and unattractive!” but what he hears is: “you aren’t good enough and what you do for our family is neither appreciated or noticed.”

Once we can decipher what we really mean and how we really feel, we can learn to say it better and more clearly.

I don’t believe God was trying to be cruel when he made men and women so differently: I’m not sure, but maybe he wanted us to work at it. Maybe he wanted us to bring out the best in each other instead of the worst.

Stay tuned for more on communication and male/female differences in my next blog post!

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!