mirror, mirror

Our bodies are complex and beautiful. Truly it’s amazing that my body has the capability of growing a child. It’s a miracle, really. Yet while most would agree that it’s beautiful thing, when we look in the mirror, “beautiful” is usually the last word we’d use to describe what we see. Or maybe I’ll just speak for myself.

The emotions I feel seem to go from one extreme to the next, and I feel this spectrum almost every day. Whew! Having a baby is both a woman’s privilege and curse. I’ve never felt more like a woman or less feminine. I am elated and depressed, tired and blessed, in love and guilty, proud and humble. But one thing I consistently feel is unattractive. I look in the mirror and I see a woman who looks 5 years older in 1 year.

These feelings change when I watch my son while he eats. I am in awe that my body not only grew him, but also that he continues to grow with the sustenance my breasts give him.  Those who know me well know that I have issues with my breasts. And that’s putting it lightly.

I’ve done a lot of personal work to make sure I am healthy as well as my marriage. However, I’ve felt tremendous guilt when I encourage my clients to love their bodies when I know that I struggle to do the same.

But what if I changed my perspective?

 I realized today that I don’t need to love my body.  After all, what’s to love about pimples and under eye circles? What I need is to make peace with it.  My body is amazing because of what it can do and what it does. My body is not perfect, but it’s perfectly lovely the way it nurtures our son.

I think we tend to focus too much on what we see in the mirror and not what we can smell, touch, taste, and hear because of our bodies. What our bodies do. I used the example of childbirth, but that’s just one of the many miracles our bodies allow us.

I encourage you to love your body if you can…and if you can’t, at least make your peace with it. Instead of focusing on the parts you hate, try to focus on your body as a whole. Instead of focusing on what you see, maybe you can focus on what your body allows you to do. (For instance, one of my favorite parts of Christmas is the way it smells. My nose may be a little large, but it provides me the ability to smell pine, cinnamon, and delicious goodies baking. I can embrace that and be grateful…and find peace in my gratitude).

           

            So while today is just a start, I feel more at peace with my body than I have in a long time. I pray the same thing for you. What parts of your body would you like to start making peace with today?

love,

Lauren
for more info about Lauren and counseling, click here.

the experience of grief

Kubler-Ross said that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The experience of grief is unique to the individual experiencing it. Some folks may only experience two of the five stages. Or, some folks never move past the denial stage or they get stuck in another stage. Additionally, these stages don’t necessarily happen in order and sometimes you can “roller coaster” back and forth between stages.

I tell my clients that often we grieve for the rest of our lives, but my hope is that I can help them experience and cope with each stage in a healthy way so that they live in the “acceptance” stage most of the time. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have depression or sadness during anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays. Or when something triggers a memory.

A few hints to help with each stage:

1.    Denial- I don’t mess with this too much at first. We have defense mechanisms for a reason and sometimes it’s our minds way of saying we aren’t ready to deal with the loss yet. If denial continues and the person continues to avoid I’ll start asking gentle questions about what’s really going on.
2.    Anger- I help the client express this and come up with healthy ways to deal with it. i.e. a letter, exercising, taking kickboxing, punching me in the stomach (kidding of course although I’m sure some folks have wanted to)
3.    Bargaining- I validate their desire to “get another chance” or make a deal with God, but I encourage them not to live in the “what if” and “if only” stage.
4.    Depression- some clients find great comfort in freely discussing their loss or loved one. I offer a place to share memories, hurts, regrets, and mixed feelings. I also encourage developing a ritual. For instance (if you are grieving because of a death), having your loved one's favorite meal on their birthday and sharing memories with loved ones. There is great freedom in rituals like this, it makes it ok to laugh and remember, or to cry if needed. Too often we stop talking about the person and in a way, lose him or her even more than we had to.
5.    Acceptance- Acceptance occurs when you decide to continue on. When you accept the loss, death, or unfilled desire/need. A friend who lost her son put it this way, “It isn’t something I’ll ever ‘get over,’ but you learn how to keep living even though everything is different and nothing will ever be the same.” Can we move from acceptance to joy? I think so. I have found many folks surprise themselves by accessing a resilience and strength they didn’t know they had. That, as a result, they can love more, laugh more, forgive more freely, and live more fully as a result of acknowledging a loss but not allowing it to define them.



For those of you who actually read this whole post, congratulations! and thank you (I know it was verbose) and blessings to you as you deal with whatever stage you are in.

Love,
Lauren
for more info about Lauren and counseling, click here.