the experience of grief

Kubler-Ross said that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The experience of grief is unique to the individual experiencing it. Some folks may only experience two of the five stages. Or, some folks never move past the denial stage or they get stuck in another stage. Additionally, these stages don’t necessarily happen in order and sometimes you can “roller coaster” back and forth between stages.

I tell my clients that often we grieve for the rest of our lives, but my hope is that I can help them experience and cope with each stage in a healthy way so that they live in the “acceptance” stage most of the time. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have depression or sadness during anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays. Or when something triggers a memory.

A few hints to help with each stage:

1.    Denial- I don’t mess with this too much at first. We have defense mechanisms for a reason and sometimes it’s our minds way of saying we aren’t ready to deal with the loss yet. If denial continues and the person continues to avoid I’ll start asking gentle questions about what’s really going on.
2.    Anger- I help the client express this and come up with healthy ways to deal with it. i.e. a letter, exercising, taking kickboxing, punching me in the stomach (kidding of course although I’m sure some folks have wanted to)
3.    Bargaining- I validate their desire to “get another chance” or make a deal with God, but I encourage them not to live in the “what if” and “if only” stage.
4.    Depression- some clients find great comfort in freely discussing their loss or loved one. I offer a place to share memories, hurts, regrets, and mixed feelings. I also encourage developing a ritual. For instance (if you are grieving because of a death), having your loved one's favorite meal on their birthday and sharing memories with loved ones. There is great freedom in rituals like this, it makes it ok to laugh and remember, or to cry if needed. Too often we stop talking about the person and in a way, lose him or her even more than we had to.
5.    Acceptance- Acceptance occurs when you decide to continue on. When you accept the loss, death, or unfilled desire/need. A friend who lost her son put it this way, “It isn’t something I’ll ever ‘get over,’ but you learn how to keep living even though everything is different and nothing will ever be the same.” Can we move from acceptance to joy? I think so. I have found many folks surprise themselves by accessing a resilience and strength they didn’t know they had. That, as a result, they can love more, laugh more, forgive more freely, and live more fully as a result of acknowledging a loss but not allowing it to define them.



For those of you who actually read this whole post, congratulations! and thank you (I know it was verbose) and blessings to you as you deal with whatever stage you are in.

Love,
Lauren
for more info about Lauren and counseling, click here.

the complexity of grief

For a long time when I thought of grief I pictured a weeping widow wearing a black veiled hat standing over the coffin or the scene from “Steel Magnolias” where Sally Field is yelling and screaming after her daughter’s funeral while her friends watch helplessly...until one friend tells her to punch her (maybe it will make her feel better!). A good cry and then an unexpected laugh...anyhow, I digress...

A wise man once told me that the majority of the work we do as therapists involves grief work. He was right, but he was talking about grief in a much broader sense than I originally realized.

Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one. However, grief is much more complex than that. You can grieve not only the loss of someone, but also the loss or absence of something (i.e.: love, innocence, marriage, etc). In my case, I grieve the absence of a mother’s love. A skilled therapist helped me acknowledge this hole in my life and allowed me to grieve it. It helped me begin to understand the motivations behind unhealthy behaviors. How about you? Is there someone or something you’ve not allowed yourself to grieve?

I ask you this not so you’ll fall apart, reopen old wounds, or feel sorry for yourself, but so that you can acknowledge the things you may have tried to cover up with eating, drinking, sex, relationships, drugs, or medication. Or maybe it will help you understand the pervasive depression, anger, or loneliness you feel. Believe me, understanding yourself and the origin of your emotions and reactions is important in your relationships. It's also necessary for your physical and emotional health. When you understand your motivations and emotions, you are better able to control them instead of unwittingly allowing them to control you (or mistakenly believing that you'll be happy when...).

Bless you and stay tuned for my next blog on the experience of grief.

Click here for more info about Lauren and counseling. 

Why does God allow suffering?

I love being a counselor...I really do. It's a privilege to be invited into someone's story and offered the opportunity to aid a healthier life. It's amazing, but it's also hard. I get front row seats to people's pain and suffering and let me tell you, I experience it with them. Not in the way my clients do, but I feel it too. I could write a book on seeing life from a counselor's perspective, but I'll spare you for now. Instead, I'd like to try and answer a question I often hear: "Why did God allow my suffering? and/or "Where was God?"

I am using Tim Keller's format from his book, "The Reason for God" (highly recommend) to aid me in this lofty endeavor.

I'll preface with the acknowledgment that there isn't one answer to this question. Rarely is there one answer for questions such as these. I'll give several answers, some of which apply to your suffering and some that don't.

The 2 most popular answers to the problem of pain is this:
- the Free Will Theodicy- this says that God gave us free will so that we might choose him (as opposed to His ability to make us robots who serve Him mindlessly). He had no use for robots and instead wanted a relationship with us. He wanted us to love Him and love requires a choice. Unfortunately, this also gives us the opportunity to choose evil. Much of the suffering is not because of God, but the cruel, selfish, and evil choices of human beings.
- The Punishment Theodicy- most objections to suffering are because we don't believe we deserve to suffer. We believe we deserve a comfortable life from God. However, this idea doesn't have a Biblical basis. In fact, we find many stories of suffering in the Bible.

Both of these theodicies have value, but they are incomplete and still leave us wanting for more. What about natural disasters? and why does the distribution of suffering seem so random?

So what else? What does the Bible say about suffering? (Directly quoting Tim Keller's "Reason for God discussion guide, page 59)
It says that Christians suffer...
- for our own sake. to learn who God is (Psalm 46; Daniel 4:24-37), to learn to trust God (2 Corinthians 1:8-9) and obey Him (Psalm 119:67-72), to become more like Jesus (Romans 8:18-29), and to reach maturity of character (Romans 5:3-4, Hebrews 12:1-11)
- for the sake of others. That God's people may have courage (Philippians 1:14) and power (2 Corinthians 4:7-12)
- for Christ's sake. To identify with Christ (Galatians 2:0), and to share in His sufferings and glory (1 Peter 4:12-16, Philippians 1:29, 3:8-10, Romans 8:17-18, 2 Corinthians 4:17)

Another answer is that we simply cannot comprehend God's reason for suffering. I, for one, cannot pretend to have the intellectual capacity to fully understand God or His reasons.

John 11:32- 35: "When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.“Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept."

I added this verse to illustrate that God is not a passive observer to our pain. He weeps with us, He mourns with us, and like any good Father--he hates seeing us hurting. I can also tell you with certainty that He doesn't abandon us either. I know it can feel as though He has, but we know He has always promised His presence.

I'll also add this, and I'll speak from my own experience: I would not be who I am today if not for my own pain and suffering. I wouldn't be very good at counseling if I didn't understand pain, loneliness, and despair. We have the ability to choose our response to suffering and pain: we can ask for help, allow our grief, and make it into something good by creating meaning for it. Does that make our suffering ok? No. but I believe it gives us a reason and purpose to continue living when it'd be easier to give up.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here.