The experience of grief is unique to the individual experiencing it. Some folks may only experience two of the five stages. Or, some folks never move past the denial stage or they get stuck in another stage. Additionally, these stages don’t necessarily happen in order and sometimes you can “roller coaster” back and forth between stages.
I tell my clients that often we grieve for the rest of our lives, but my hope is that I can help them experience and cope with each stage in a healthy way so that they live in the “acceptance” stage most of the time. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have depression or sadness during anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays. Or when something triggers a memory.
A few hints to help with each stage:
1. Denial- I don’t mess with this too much at first. We have defense mechanisms for a reason and sometimes it’s our minds way of saying we aren’t ready to deal with the loss yet. If denial continues and the person continues to avoid I’ll start asking gentle questions about what’s really going on.
2. Anger- I help the client express this and come up with healthy ways to deal with it. i.e. a letter, exercising, taking kickboxing, punching me in the stomach (kidding of course although I’m sure some folks have wanted to)
3. Bargaining- I validate their desire to “get another chance” or make a deal with God, but I encourage them not to live in the “what if” and “if only” stage.
4. Depression- some clients find great comfort in freely discussing their loss or loved one. I offer a place to share memories, hurts, regrets, and mixed feelings. I also encourage developing a ritual. For instance (if you are grieving because of a death), having your loved one's favorite meal on their birthday and sharing memories with loved ones. There is great freedom in rituals like this, it makes it ok to laugh and remember, or to cry if needed. Too often we stop talking about the person and in a way, lose him or her even more than we had to.
5. Acceptance- Acceptance occurs when you decide to continue on. When you accept the loss, death, or unfilled desire/need. A friend who lost her son put it this way, “It isn’t something I’ll ever ‘get over,’ but you learn how to keep living even though everything is different and nothing will ever be the same.” Can we move from acceptance to joy? I think so. I have found many folks surprise themselves by accessing a resilience and strength they didn’t know they had. That, as a result, they can love more, laugh more, forgive more freely, and live more fully as a result of acknowledging a loss but not allowing it to define them.
For those of you who actually read this whole post, congratulations! and thank you (I know it was verbose) and blessings to you as you deal with whatever stage you are in.
Love,
Lauren
for more info about Lauren and counseling, click here.
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