the complexity of grief

For a long time when I thought of grief I pictured a weeping widow wearing a black veiled hat standing over the coffin or the scene from “Steel Magnolias” where Sally Field is yelling and screaming after her daughter’s funeral while her friends watch helplessly...until one friend tells her to punch her (maybe it will make her feel better!). A good cry and then an unexpected laugh...anyhow, I digress...

A wise man once told me that the majority of the work we do as therapists involves grief work. He was right, but he was talking about grief in a much broader sense than I originally realized.

Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one. However, grief is much more complex than that. You can grieve not only the loss of someone, but also the loss or absence of something (i.e.: love, innocence, marriage, etc). In my case, I grieve the absence of a mother’s love. A skilled therapist helped me acknowledge this hole in my life and allowed me to grieve it. It helped me begin to understand the motivations behind unhealthy behaviors. How about you? Is there someone or something you’ve not allowed yourself to grieve?

I ask you this not so you’ll fall apart, reopen old wounds, or feel sorry for yourself, but so that you can acknowledge the things you may have tried to cover up with eating, drinking, sex, relationships, drugs, or medication. Or maybe it will help you understand the pervasive depression, anger, or loneliness you feel. Believe me, understanding yourself and the origin of your emotions and reactions is important in your relationships. It's also necessary for your physical and emotional health. When you understand your motivations and emotions, you are better able to control them instead of unwittingly allowing them to control you (or mistakenly believing that you'll be happy when...).

Bless you and stay tuned for my next blog on the experience of grief.

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