the complexity of grief

For a long time when I thought of grief I pictured a weeping widow wearing a black veiled hat standing over the coffin or the scene from “Steel Magnolias” where Sally Field is yelling and screaming after her daughter’s funeral while her friends watch helplessly...until one friend tells her to punch her (maybe it will make her feel better!). A good cry and then an unexpected laugh...anyhow, I digress...

A wise man once told me that the majority of the work we do as therapists involves grief work. He was right, but he was talking about grief in a much broader sense than I originally realized.

Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one. However, grief is much more complex than that. You can grieve not only the loss of someone, but also the loss or absence of something (i.e.: love, innocence, marriage, etc). In my case, I grieve the absence of a mother’s love. A skilled therapist helped me acknowledge this hole in my life and allowed me to grieve it. It helped me begin to understand the motivations behind unhealthy behaviors. How about you? Is there someone or something you’ve not allowed yourself to grieve?

I ask you this not so you’ll fall apart, reopen old wounds, or feel sorry for yourself, but so that you can acknowledge the things you may have tried to cover up with eating, drinking, sex, relationships, drugs, or medication. Or maybe it will help you understand the pervasive depression, anger, or loneliness you feel. Believe me, understanding yourself and the origin of your emotions and reactions is important in your relationships. It's also necessary for your physical and emotional health. When you understand your motivations and emotions, you are better able to control them instead of unwittingly allowing them to control you (or mistakenly believing that you'll be happy when...).

Bless you and stay tuned for my next blog on the experience of grief.

Click here for more info about Lauren and counseling. 

Women: A few hints for our men

I hope you’ll forgive my absence. I’ve been a little distracted… On July 1 at 8:12 our sweet Caleb was born and our lives will never be the same! Being a mom seems to be full of contradictions. I am exhausted, but so full of love for our little man I can hardly stand it. I’m pretty sure he’s perfect and I’m honored to be his Mommy.

 My last post was about men, so I’ll continue with my promised blog about women. I wonder why I made such a bold promise because I really would need to write a whole volume of books in order to truly discuss women. Women are complicated. However, for the sake of this post, I’ll offer a few simple words of wisdom directed toward men in relationships with women*:

Men,

1.    She needs to feel loved by you. She needs to hear that you love her, find her attractive, desirable, and that you appreciate her. She might know that you love her, but she needs to feel it. She needs to hear it and see it. Believe me, a little note left in a place she’ll find it can go a long way. Or send her a text in the middle of the day saying you were thinking of her. Romance doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive.
2.    Listen and pay attention. You don’t have to understand everything she’s saying. You’re not a woman, you won’t understand all her emotions—however, if you can reflect (or repeat) what she’s saying back to her, she’ll feel heard. Also, ask her about her day and listen to what she says. Look at her. Does she look tired? Offer a backrub. Did she get a haircut? Tell her it looks beautiful. Did she clean? Thank her.
3.    Feeling loved and heard is a turn on.
4.    You might have sex more if your wife feels loved, heard, and appreciated.  Just sayin.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

* As usual, I’m writing in generalities. This does not describe every woman and we are certainly all unique.

Stressed Out?

Stressed Out: the Busyness Phenomenon*

Physician Larry Dossey coined the term “time sickness” in 1982 to describe the belief that time is getting away, we don’t have enough of it, and that we must push harder and harder to keep up. By this definition, most of us are “sick” all the time. But this isn’t new to you, by now, I’m sure most people have heard the damage long-term stress and exhaustion inflicts on our bodies. Some symptoms include: pain, heart disease, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, depression, obesity, autoimmune diseases, and skin conditions such as eczema to name a few.

  Not only does stress negatively affect our bodies, but it also affects our relationships. Dr. James Dobson said, “Overcommitment and exhaustion are the most insidious and pervasive marriage killers you will ever encounter as a couple.” Usually we are too tired or too preoccupied that we cannot fully engage with the people we love most. They get what’s leftover after we’ve given others our full energy.

Have you ever met anyone that wore his or her busyness as a badge of honor? The folks who don’t have time to answer the phone, and if they do, give you a list of all they have to do? Perhaps the person is you. The primary gain of being busy seems to be productivity (which aids a person’s feeling of worth). But just under the surface, the secondary gain of busyness also may keep us from reflecting on the deeper issues of our lives: the conversations we need to have, the thoughts, feelings, and even people we dread, or even addictions (food, pornography, gambling, shopping, etc) that we need to address. 

If this sounds like you, and you are ready to take steps to take back your time, here are a few ideas:

1.    Quit serving leftovers. It’s always sad when we realize that we’re giving the people we love most our leftover energy, attention, and time. Consider setting aside specific time for your spouse, kids, and friends and leaving your blackberry or computer off or somewhere else.
2.    Examine your secondary gains. Do you feel like you’re only as good as your “productivity?” When you examine yourself more closely, are there unresolved issues, conversations, people, and/or addictions you are avoiding? Consider counseling as an option for exploring and healing.
3.    Learn to say no gracefully. Surgeon Berne Siegel said, “People who neglect their own needs are the ones who are most likely to become ill. For them, the main problem is learning to say “no” without feeling guilty.” Make a list of your commitments and examine them carefully. Is there anything you can let go of or you’d like to say “no” to? Discuss the list with a trusted friend or family member. Perhaps he or she can help provide a different perspective and help you prioritize the parts of your life you are not willing to compromise- your family and health.

* Article modified and abridged from “Busyness: The Archenemy of Every Life” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Happy Marriage!

10 Rules to Live by…*

1. I will communicate my expectations and not take it for granted that my spouse understands what I need or want.

2. I will verify my assumptions so that I have accurate information and feedback.

3.  I will strive toward understanding my spouse’s feelings and thoughts on a matter first, without criticism, before attempting to resist and fight or even negotiate and compromise.

4.  I will focus on resolving the issues and not attempt to make my spouse or our relationship the problem.

5.  I will give myself and my spouse permission to take a “time-out” from the discussion when it’s requested or needed, as long as I give a specific time frame when we will resume problem solving.

6.  I will take ownership of, and be completely accountable for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors first, without shifting blame toward my spouse.

7.  I will not attempt to control my spouse with sarcasm, rage, threats, manipulation, shame, jealousy, or silence.

8.  I will be responsive and not reactive when discussing issues or receiving feedback about my behavior from my spouse.

9.  I will actively seek the forgiveness of my spouse when I am aware of any wrongdoing on my part, and I will extend forgiveness when it’s asked for.

10.  I will have a passionate marriage, one comprised of emotional and physical intimacy.

*adapted from “Well Done: the Rules for Creating a Win-Win Process in Marriage” by Eric Scalise

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

What is love?

Before I attempt to answer this age old question, I’ll start by first telling you what love is not: love is not the butterflies in our stomachs, the goosebumps when skin touches skin, the long day dreams and feelings of “walking on air.” It is not the racing heart, the tingle all the way down to our toes, and the excitement of the first kiss. These things are good and wonderful until we mistake them for love.

What I’ve described is what Gary Chapman calls “the in love feeling.”  When we mistake these things for love we tend to chase this feeling. We chase the buzz of the beginning and become dissatisfied or feel as though we’ve fallen out of love when they’re gone. Believing that the in love feeling is love sets us up for serial dating, one-night stands, fantasies about past relationships and/or affairs.

As a counselor, I like to ask my clients how they define love. Their answers tell me a lot about their past and current relationships. You see, the way we define love can set us up to fail or to be successful in relationships. When someone tells me that love and happiness are synonymous, I worry. We tend to buy into what the movies and fairy tales tell us: that one person will come and make all our dreams come true, complete us and make us feel whole, happy, and attractive, and that love is easy. We believe that if we find the “right” person we will be happy when we should instead focus on becoming the right person.

 Now, I’m not suggesting that the “right” definition of love will guarantee marital or relational bliss. I am, however, saying that really understanding and believing that love is not butterflies and tingles, but a conscious choice can help us toward marital satisfaction. Understanding that love is a choice can help us practice fidelity and remember that relationships require nurturing and care.

So what is love? Love is a choice made by an imperfect person to love an imperfect person. It is a choice to stay with that person even when it’s hard. It’s a choice to try. It’s a choice to let your differences be meet with understanding, acceptance, and even joy. Is there passion? Yes, but after a while it’s mostly not the explosive kind. It’s the kind of passion that comes from true intimacy: the gift of truly knowing someone and choosing him or her anyway*.

*Please understand I am not advocating staying in marriages or relationships where there is any kind of abuse.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!