In sickness and in health, 'til parenthood do us part?

Unfortunately, it happens all too often. Studies show that becoming parents lowers marital satisfaction. It’s easy to lose the sense of being husband and wife in the whirlwind of being Mommy and Daddy. The day-to-day grind makes it difficult to foster emotional and physical intimacy…and when there is time, couples are often too exhausted to exert the effort.

Here’s some sobering information from the popular book, On Becoming Babywise: “Great marriages produce great parents. A healthy husband-wife relationship is essential to the emotional health of children in the home….A strong marriage provides a haven of security for children…if a child perceives more weakness than strength in the relationship, we believe this perception creates low level anxiety in the child” (Ezzo & Bucknam). 

Before becoming a parent, I counseled folks on the importance of placing their marriage before parenting (of course, never to the neglect of a child’s needs) and how doing so actually makes them better parents. It was an easy enough concept to teach…but the realities and difficulties of doing so weren’t apparent until I tried it myself!

4 days old

There isn’t a “one size fits all” solution to this dilemma, but here’s some advice and tips for rekindling intimacy that I’d like you to think about and consider trying:

1.    Prioritize. Ask yourself, “What makes my relationship work?” or, “What does it take to feel intimate with my spouse?” For instance, in my marriage I need regular prayer time, intimate conversation, and physical intimacy to feel close and “in love” with Josh. His list is shorter than mine, so if my list is fulfilled, then he’s happy too!
2.    Be Intentional. Once you figure out what you need-- schedule time to do it! You may need to adjust your expectations if you think it’ll be the same as it was pre-kids, but be intentional about the time you set aside and make it count!
3.    Remember: an object in motion stays in motion. Basically, the more you do the things that make your relationship close and loving…the more you want to do them and the more natural and easy it becomes. However, this also means that the more you skip or ignore the things that make your marriage work, the easier it is to continue ignoring them and the harder it is to get “back on the wagon” so to speak.
4.    Be Accountable to your spouse and to yourself. Do you feel close to your spouse? Ask your spouse how you’re doing and if you can improve. You can also enlist a trusted friend to ask you about your marriage and to offer encouragement and empathy when you need it.
5.    Give yourself some grace. It can take a little while to adjust to parenthood—particularly mommyhood. Us moms have all kinds of hormones bonding us to our children and it’s easy to pour all our energy, attention, and love into our precious little ones. Just remind yourself that you are a better mommy when you remember how important it is to be a wife, too.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Women: A few hints for our men

I hope you’ll forgive my absence. I’ve been a little distracted… On July 1 at 8:12 our sweet Caleb was born and our lives will never be the same! Being a mom seems to be full of contradictions. I am exhausted, but so full of love for our little man I can hardly stand it. I’m pretty sure he’s perfect and I’m honored to be his Mommy.

 My last post was about men, so I’ll continue with my promised blog about women. I wonder why I made such a bold promise because I really would need to write a whole volume of books in order to truly discuss women. Women are complicated. However, for the sake of this post, I’ll offer a few simple words of wisdom directed toward men in relationships with women*:

Men,

1.    She needs to feel loved by you. She needs to hear that you love her, find her attractive, desirable, and that you appreciate her. She might know that you love her, but she needs to feel it. She needs to hear it and see it. Believe me, a little note left in a place she’ll find it can go a long way. Or send her a text in the middle of the day saying you were thinking of her. Romance doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive.
2.    Listen and pay attention. You don’t have to understand everything she’s saying. You’re not a woman, you won’t understand all her emotions—however, if you can reflect (or repeat) what she’s saying back to her, she’ll feel heard. Also, ask her about her day and listen to what she says. Look at her. Does she look tired? Offer a backrub. Did she get a haircut? Tell her it looks beautiful. Did she clean? Thank her.
3.    Feeling loved and heard is a turn on.
4.    You might have sex more if your wife feels loved, heard, and appreciated.  Just sayin.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

* As usual, I’m writing in generalities. This does not describe every woman and we are certainly all unique.

Happy Marriage!

10 Rules to Live by…*

1. I will communicate my expectations and not take it for granted that my spouse understands what I need or want.

2. I will verify my assumptions so that I have accurate information and feedback.

3.  I will strive toward understanding my spouse’s feelings and thoughts on a matter first, without criticism, before attempting to resist and fight or even negotiate and compromise.

4.  I will focus on resolving the issues and not attempt to make my spouse or our relationship the problem.

5.  I will give myself and my spouse permission to take a “time-out” from the discussion when it’s requested or needed, as long as I give a specific time frame when we will resume problem solving.

6.  I will take ownership of, and be completely accountable for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors first, without shifting blame toward my spouse.

7.  I will not attempt to control my spouse with sarcasm, rage, threats, manipulation, shame, jealousy, or silence.

8.  I will be responsive and not reactive when discussing issues or receiving feedback about my behavior from my spouse.

9.  I will actively seek the forgiveness of my spouse when I am aware of any wrongdoing on my part, and I will extend forgiveness when it’s asked for.

10.  I will have a passionate marriage, one comprised of emotional and physical intimacy.

*adapted from “Well Done: the Rules for Creating a Win-Win Process in Marriage” by Eric Scalise

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

What is love?

Before I attempt to answer this age old question, I’ll start by first telling you what love is not: love is not the butterflies in our stomachs, the goosebumps when skin touches skin, the long day dreams and feelings of “walking on air.” It is not the racing heart, the tingle all the way down to our toes, and the excitement of the first kiss. These things are good and wonderful until we mistake them for love.

What I’ve described is what Gary Chapman calls “the in love feeling.”  When we mistake these things for love we tend to chase this feeling. We chase the buzz of the beginning and become dissatisfied or feel as though we’ve fallen out of love when they’re gone. Believing that the in love feeling is love sets us up for serial dating, one-night stands, fantasies about past relationships and/or affairs.

As a counselor, I like to ask my clients how they define love. Their answers tell me a lot about their past and current relationships. You see, the way we define love can set us up to fail or to be successful in relationships. When someone tells me that love and happiness are synonymous, I worry. We tend to buy into what the movies and fairy tales tell us: that one person will come and make all our dreams come true, complete us and make us feel whole, happy, and attractive, and that love is easy. We believe that if we find the “right” person we will be happy when we should instead focus on becoming the right person.

 Now, I’m not suggesting that the “right” definition of love will guarantee marital or relational bliss. I am, however, saying that really understanding and believing that love is not butterflies and tingles, but a conscious choice can help us toward marital satisfaction. Understanding that love is a choice can help us practice fidelity and remember that relationships require nurturing and care.

So what is love? Love is a choice made by an imperfect person to love an imperfect person. It is a choice to stay with that person even when it’s hard. It’s a choice to try. It’s a choice to let your differences be meet with understanding, acceptance, and even joy. Is there passion? Yes, but after a while it’s mostly not the explosive kind. It’s the kind of passion that comes from true intimacy: the gift of truly knowing someone and choosing him or her anyway*.

*Please understand I am not advocating staying in marriages or relationships where there is any kind of abuse.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!