In sickness and in health, 'til parenthood do us part?

Unfortunately, it happens all too often. Studies show that becoming parents lowers marital satisfaction. It’s easy to lose the sense of being husband and wife in the whirlwind of being Mommy and Daddy. The day-to-day grind makes it difficult to foster emotional and physical intimacy…and when there is time, couples are often too exhausted to exert the effort.

Here’s some sobering information from the popular book, On Becoming Babywise: “Great marriages produce great parents. A healthy husband-wife relationship is essential to the emotional health of children in the home….A strong marriage provides a haven of security for children…if a child perceives more weakness than strength in the relationship, we believe this perception creates low level anxiety in the child” (Ezzo & Bucknam). 

Before becoming a parent, I counseled folks on the importance of placing their marriage before parenting (of course, never to the neglect of a child’s needs) and how doing so actually makes them better parents. It was an easy enough concept to teach…but the realities and difficulties of doing so weren’t apparent until I tried it myself!

4 days old

There isn’t a “one size fits all” solution to this dilemma, but here’s some advice and tips for rekindling intimacy that I’d like you to think about and consider trying:

1.    Prioritize. Ask yourself, “What makes my relationship work?” or, “What does it take to feel intimate with my spouse?” For instance, in my marriage I need regular prayer time, intimate conversation, and physical intimacy to feel close and “in love” with Josh. His list is shorter than mine, so if my list is fulfilled, then he’s happy too!
2.    Be Intentional. Once you figure out what you need-- schedule time to do it! You may need to adjust your expectations if you think it’ll be the same as it was pre-kids, but be intentional about the time you set aside and make it count!
3.    Remember: an object in motion stays in motion. Basically, the more you do the things that make your relationship close and loving…the more you want to do them and the more natural and easy it becomes. However, this also means that the more you skip or ignore the things that make your marriage work, the easier it is to continue ignoring them and the harder it is to get “back on the wagon” so to speak.
4.    Be Accountable to your spouse and to yourself. Do you feel close to your spouse? Ask your spouse how you’re doing and if you can improve. You can also enlist a trusted friend to ask you about your marriage and to offer encouragement and empathy when you need it.
5.    Give yourself some grace. It can take a little while to adjust to parenthood—particularly mommyhood. Us moms have all kinds of hormones bonding us to our children and it’s easy to pour all our energy, attention, and love into our precious little ones. Just remind yourself that you are a better mommy when you remember how important it is to be a wife, too.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Reasonably Happy

When asked the goal of their therapy, many clients reply, “I just want to be happy.” It’s certainly a lofty goal, and I understand where it comes from. Who wouldn't want to be happy? I then explore further to figure out what they mean when they say “happy.” Most folks are not sure. It is some nebulous, unidentifiable good feeling, something they’ll “just know” when they have it.

So many of us truly believe that happiness is just one product away, or one “right” person away. We live our lives believing that all our problems will be solved “if only I meet the right man/woman to love me well” or “if only I got that car” or “if I were skinny.” Culture tells us that if we wear the right things, look a certain way, and drink the right products we’ll be satisfied and happy. We hope for the fairy tale or the quick fix.
   
It is then when I very lovingly tell my clients something they do not want to hear: “you will never always feel happy.” It is impossible. Happiness is a feeling, just like sadness or anger or even the “in love” feeling I talked about earlier. The best we can hope for is contentment and hope. The best we can do is satisfy ourselves with the Truth. We are not here for only ourselves, and our lives have a purpose…if we are only willing to identify and act on it.

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen. 

(Reinhold Neibuhr)

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

What is love?

Before I attempt to answer this age old question, I’ll start by first telling you what love is not: love is not the butterflies in our stomachs, the goosebumps when skin touches skin, the long day dreams and feelings of “walking on air.” It is not the racing heart, the tingle all the way down to our toes, and the excitement of the first kiss. These things are good and wonderful until we mistake them for love.

What I’ve described is what Gary Chapman calls “the in love feeling.”  When we mistake these things for love we tend to chase this feeling. We chase the buzz of the beginning and become dissatisfied or feel as though we’ve fallen out of love when they’re gone. Believing that the in love feeling is love sets us up for serial dating, one-night stands, fantasies about past relationships and/or affairs.

As a counselor, I like to ask my clients how they define love. Their answers tell me a lot about their past and current relationships. You see, the way we define love can set us up to fail or to be successful in relationships. When someone tells me that love and happiness are synonymous, I worry. We tend to buy into what the movies and fairy tales tell us: that one person will come and make all our dreams come true, complete us and make us feel whole, happy, and attractive, and that love is easy. We believe that if we find the “right” person we will be happy when we should instead focus on becoming the right person.

 Now, I’m not suggesting that the “right” definition of love will guarantee marital or relational bliss. I am, however, saying that really understanding and believing that love is not butterflies and tingles, but a conscious choice can help us toward marital satisfaction. Understanding that love is a choice can help us practice fidelity and remember that relationships require nurturing and care.

So what is love? Love is a choice made by an imperfect person to love an imperfect person. It is a choice to stay with that person even when it’s hard. It’s a choice to try. It’s a choice to let your differences be meet with understanding, acceptance, and even joy. Is there passion? Yes, but after a while it’s mostly not the explosive kind. It’s the kind of passion that comes from true intimacy: the gift of truly knowing someone and choosing him or her anyway*.

*Please understand I am not advocating staying in marriages or relationships where there is any kind of abuse.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!