Women: A few hints for our men

I hope you’ll forgive my absence. I’ve been a little distracted… On July 1 at 8:12 our sweet Caleb was born and our lives will never be the same! Being a mom seems to be full of contradictions. I am exhausted, but so full of love for our little man I can hardly stand it. I’m pretty sure he’s perfect and I’m honored to be his Mommy.

 My last post was about men, so I’ll continue with my promised blog about women. I wonder why I made such a bold promise because I really would need to write a whole volume of books in order to truly discuss women. Women are complicated. However, for the sake of this post, I’ll offer a few simple words of wisdom directed toward men in relationships with women*:

Men,

1.    She needs to feel loved by you. She needs to hear that you love her, find her attractive, desirable, and that you appreciate her. She might know that you love her, but she needs to feel it. She needs to hear it and see it. Believe me, a little note left in a place she’ll find it can go a long way. Or send her a text in the middle of the day saying you were thinking of her. Romance doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive.
2.    Listen and pay attention. You don’t have to understand everything she’s saying. You’re not a woman, you won’t understand all her emotions—however, if you can reflect (or repeat) what she’s saying back to her, she’ll feel heard. Also, ask her about her day and listen to what she says. Look at her. Does she look tired? Offer a backrub. Did she get a haircut? Tell her it looks beautiful. Did she clean? Thank her.
3.    Feeling loved and heard is a turn on.
4.    You might have sex more if your wife feels loved, heard, and appreciated.  Just sayin.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

* As usual, I’m writing in generalities. This does not describe every woman and we are certainly all unique.

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Men

A Few Clues about Men:

Now, I’m all for equality of rights and pay for men and women—but there’s no denying that men and women are built differently. Simple anatomy and neuroscience tell us that. I’ll focus on the neuroscience since the anatomy differences are obvious. :)

 For instance, men’s brains are bigger, but women’s brains work better. What I mean by that is our left and right hemispheres are better connected, making it easier for us to access both sides and multitask with greater ease than our male counterparts. This also makes it possible for us to think of a million things at once (a blessing and a curse!). Let me tell you what this means for us relationally: we think differently than men.

Until we can at least understand the basics of not only our differences biologically, but also relationally—we will continue to assume that our partners should view and react to the world as we do. This is a huge mistake.

Ladies, have you ever said, “I told him once, he should remember!” or “I shouldn’t have to keep telling him, he should know what I want.” or “If I have to ask him, then that defeats the purpose and it’s not romantic anymore!” Hey, I’ve been there too, but let me tell you why this kind of thinking is flawed and will ultimately just makes our men feel inadequate.

Why? Because: 1. He really didn’t remember. 2. He cannot read your mind 3. He needs things spelled out for him. Men are not good at reading between the lines. Remember what I said about their brains? Men can focus on one thing at a time and almost literally turn off the rest of their brains. When he was watching the game, it’s possible that he really didn’t hear you (amazing, huh?). Men are simple. If you ask him what he's thinking and he says, "nothing" he may be telling you the truth!

 Also, when men sense disapproval they normally run away, become defensive, or shut down. Believe it or not, men are sensitive! They desire our respect and approval. And like we all do, they respond much better to positive reinforcement than to punishment (“nagging” etc).

I know it goes against the grain and the fairy tale romances we see on TV, but ladies, it’s ok to ask for what you need/want. In fact, it’s crucial that you do. Your husband will appreciate not having to decipher code to understand what you want from him and you will (hopefully) appreciate a much more attentive and engaged husband.

Here are a couple examples of what I mean:
-    “I appreciate how hard you work to help support our family, but when you come home from work I really need a few minutes to myself after being with the kids all day. Would you mind giving me 30 minutes to read, take a bath…?”
-     “I miss you spending quality time with you, can we go on a date tonight (or turn the TV off tonight)?"

Good luck and stay tuned for my next blog about women!


to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Fighting Fair

Healthy Communication

Ah, communication... In my practice, this tends to be the number one complaint couples give. It’s nice and benign and broad, but rarely is communication the real problem in most relationships. It’s definitely a problem, but it’s usually a symptom of a deeper issue.

Maybe he doesn’t feel respected or that anything he does is ever good enough and maybe she doesn’t feel loved. Maybe they have poor boundaries and have allowed others into their marriage either physically or emotionally somehow. Perhaps they don’t feel “in-love” anymore or they just don’t like each other. Or, they haven’t forgiven each other and resentment has poisoned their marriage…It could be anything.

However, I still help clients with their conflict resolution skills first and listen for the deeper issues in that process. I figure out what they normally fight about. Not surprisingly, I find that most folks have the same fight over and over again (same song, different verse). Rather than get caught up in their individual fights, I try to understand what is really being said in those fights. Instead of, “you never take me out on dates anymore!!” what she may be actually saying is, “I feel unloved, unimportant, and unattractive!” but what he hears is: “you aren’t good enough and what you do for our family is neither appreciated or noticed.”

Once we can decipher what we really mean and how we really feel, we can learn to say it better and more clearly.

I don’t believe God was trying to be cruel when he made men and women so differently: I’m not sure, but maybe he wanted us to work at it. Maybe he wanted us to bring out the best in each other instead of the worst.

Stay tuned for more on communication and male/female differences in my next blog post!

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Reasonably Happy

When asked the goal of their therapy, many clients reply, “I just want to be happy.” It’s certainly a lofty goal, and I understand where it comes from. Who wouldn't want to be happy? I then explore further to figure out what they mean when they say “happy.” Most folks are not sure. It is some nebulous, unidentifiable good feeling, something they’ll “just know” when they have it.

So many of us truly believe that happiness is just one product away, or one “right” person away. We live our lives believing that all our problems will be solved “if only I meet the right man/woman to love me well” or “if only I got that car” or “if I were skinny.” Culture tells us that if we wear the right things, look a certain way, and drink the right products we’ll be satisfied and happy. We hope for the fairy tale or the quick fix.
   
It is then when I very lovingly tell my clients something they do not want to hear: “you will never always feel happy.” It is impossible. Happiness is a feeling, just like sadness or anger or even the “in love” feeling I talked about earlier. The best we can hope for is contentment and hope. The best we can do is satisfy ourselves with the Truth. We are not here for only ourselves, and our lives have a purpose…if we are only willing to identify and act on it.

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen. 

(Reinhold Neibuhr)

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Stressed Out?

Stressed Out: the Busyness Phenomenon*

Physician Larry Dossey coined the term “time sickness” in 1982 to describe the belief that time is getting away, we don’t have enough of it, and that we must push harder and harder to keep up. By this definition, most of us are “sick” all the time. But this isn’t new to you, by now, I’m sure most people have heard the damage long-term stress and exhaustion inflicts on our bodies. Some symptoms include: pain, heart disease, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, depression, obesity, autoimmune diseases, and skin conditions such as eczema to name a few.

  Not only does stress negatively affect our bodies, but it also affects our relationships. Dr. James Dobson said, “Overcommitment and exhaustion are the most insidious and pervasive marriage killers you will ever encounter as a couple.” Usually we are too tired or too preoccupied that we cannot fully engage with the people we love most. They get what’s leftover after we’ve given others our full energy.

Have you ever met anyone that wore his or her busyness as a badge of honor? The folks who don’t have time to answer the phone, and if they do, give you a list of all they have to do? Perhaps the person is you. The primary gain of being busy seems to be productivity (which aids a person’s feeling of worth). But just under the surface, the secondary gain of busyness also may keep us from reflecting on the deeper issues of our lives: the conversations we need to have, the thoughts, feelings, and even people we dread, or even addictions (food, pornography, gambling, shopping, etc) that we need to address. 

If this sounds like you, and you are ready to take steps to take back your time, here are a few ideas:

1.    Quit serving leftovers. It’s always sad when we realize that we’re giving the people we love most our leftover energy, attention, and time. Consider setting aside specific time for your spouse, kids, and friends and leaving your blackberry or computer off or somewhere else.
2.    Examine your secondary gains. Do you feel like you’re only as good as your “productivity?” When you examine yourself more closely, are there unresolved issues, conversations, people, and/or addictions you are avoiding? Consider counseling as an option for exploring and healing.
3.    Learn to say no gracefully. Surgeon Berne Siegel said, “People who neglect their own needs are the ones who are most likely to become ill. For them, the main problem is learning to say “no” without feeling guilty.” Make a list of your commitments and examine them carefully. Is there anything you can let go of or you’d like to say “no” to? Discuss the list with a trusted friend or family member. Perhaps he or she can help provide a different perspective and help you prioritize the parts of your life you are not willing to compromise- your family and health.

* Article modified and abridged from “Busyness: The Archenemy of Every Life” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Happy Marriage!

10 Rules to Live by…*

1. I will communicate my expectations and not take it for granted that my spouse understands what I need or want.

2. I will verify my assumptions so that I have accurate information and feedback.

3.  I will strive toward understanding my spouse’s feelings and thoughts on a matter first, without criticism, before attempting to resist and fight or even negotiate and compromise.

4.  I will focus on resolving the issues and not attempt to make my spouse or our relationship the problem.

5.  I will give myself and my spouse permission to take a “time-out” from the discussion when it’s requested or needed, as long as I give a specific time frame when we will resume problem solving.

6.  I will take ownership of, and be completely accountable for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors first, without shifting blame toward my spouse.

7.  I will not attempt to control my spouse with sarcasm, rage, threats, manipulation, shame, jealousy, or silence.

8.  I will be responsive and not reactive when discussing issues or receiving feedback about my behavior from my spouse.

9.  I will actively seek the forgiveness of my spouse when I am aware of any wrongdoing on my part, and I will extend forgiveness when it’s asked for.

10.  I will have a passionate marriage, one comprised of emotional and physical intimacy.

*adapted from “Well Done: the Rules for Creating a Win-Win Process in Marriage” by Eric Scalise

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!