the complexity of grief

For a long time when I thought of grief I pictured a weeping widow wearing a black veiled hat standing over the coffin or the scene from “Steel Magnolias” where Sally Field is yelling and screaming after her daughter’s funeral while her friends watch helplessly...until one friend tells her to punch her (maybe it will make her feel better!). A good cry and then an unexpected laugh...anyhow, I digress...

A wise man once told me that the majority of the work we do as therapists involves grief work. He was right, but he was talking about grief in a much broader sense than I originally realized.

Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one. However, grief is much more complex than that. You can grieve not only the loss of someone, but also the loss or absence of something (i.e.: love, innocence, marriage, etc). In my case, I grieve the absence of a mother’s love. A skilled therapist helped me acknowledge this hole in my life and allowed me to grieve it. It helped me begin to understand the motivations behind unhealthy behaviors. How about you? Is there someone or something you’ve not allowed yourself to grieve?

I ask you this not so you’ll fall apart, reopen old wounds, or feel sorry for yourself, but so that you can acknowledge the things you may have tried to cover up with eating, drinking, sex, relationships, drugs, or medication. Or maybe it will help you understand the pervasive depression, anger, or loneliness you feel. Believe me, understanding yourself and the origin of your emotions and reactions is important in your relationships. It's also necessary for your physical and emotional health. When you understand your motivations and emotions, you are better able to control them instead of unwittingly allowing them to control you (or mistakenly believing that you'll be happy when...).

Bless you and stay tuned for my next blog on the experience of grief.

Click here for more info about Lauren and counseling. 

In sickness and in health, 'til parenthood do us part?

Unfortunately, it happens all too often. Studies show that becoming parents lowers marital satisfaction. It’s easy to lose the sense of being husband and wife in the whirlwind of being Mommy and Daddy. The day-to-day grind makes it difficult to foster emotional and physical intimacy…and when there is time, couples are often too exhausted to exert the effort.

Here’s some sobering information from the popular book, On Becoming Babywise: “Great marriages produce great parents. A healthy husband-wife relationship is essential to the emotional health of children in the home….A strong marriage provides a haven of security for children…if a child perceives more weakness than strength in the relationship, we believe this perception creates low level anxiety in the child” (Ezzo & Bucknam). 

Before becoming a parent, I counseled folks on the importance of placing their marriage before parenting (of course, never to the neglect of a child’s needs) and how doing so actually makes them better parents. It was an easy enough concept to teach…but the realities and difficulties of doing so weren’t apparent until I tried it myself!

4 days old

There isn’t a “one size fits all” solution to this dilemma, but here’s some advice and tips for rekindling intimacy that I’d like you to think about and consider trying:

1.    Prioritize. Ask yourself, “What makes my relationship work?” or, “What does it take to feel intimate with my spouse?” For instance, in my marriage I need regular prayer time, intimate conversation, and physical intimacy to feel close and “in love” with Josh. His list is shorter than mine, so if my list is fulfilled, then he’s happy too!
2.    Be Intentional. Once you figure out what you need-- schedule time to do it! You may need to adjust your expectations if you think it’ll be the same as it was pre-kids, but be intentional about the time you set aside and make it count!
3.    Remember: an object in motion stays in motion. Basically, the more you do the things that make your relationship close and loving…the more you want to do them and the more natural and easy it becomes. However, this also means that the more you skip or ignore the things that make your marriage work, the easier it is to continue ignoring them and the harder it is to get “back on the wagon” so to speak.
4.    Be Accountable to your spouse and to yourself. Do you feel close to your spouse? Ask your spouse how you’re doing and if you can improve. You can also enlist a trusted friend to ask you about your marriage and to offer encouragement and empathy when you need it.
5.    Give yourself some grace. It can take a little while to adjust to parenthood—particularly mommyhood. Us moms have all kinds of hormones bonding us to our children and it’s easy to pour all our energy, attention, and love into our precious little ones. Just remind yourself that you are a better mommy when you remember how important it is to be a wife, too.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!