Cyber Monday

Can't beat shopping from the comfort of your own home...

Take advantage of the great deals online today and get some Christmas shopping out of the way!

Here are a few of the deals today:

JC Penney:  10% off sitewide

Loft:  40% off sitewide

Gap: 30% off sitewide

Lands End: 30% off sitewide + free shipping

Old Navy:  30% off sitewide

Home Depot:  $5 off, free shipping

Sears:  5 to 20% off, free shipping

Target:  $7 off $70 + free shipping

Happy Shopping!
Lauren

an attitude of gratitude

Tuesday was my first day back to work. After 5 months of being away, it felt great to be counseling again! In fact, it felt as though I were meeting an old friend and we picked up right where we left off...except that while I was away I learned a lot about myself as well as my clients.

During this time of year especially, I am thinking about all I have to be grateful for...my job, my family, my friends... It's an attitude I try to practice all the time, but it's a fun reminder when others are doing the same. I've enjoyed reading many of my friend's facebook posts about the things they are grateful for this month. Despite hardships, worries, and stress...I am grateful that I have so much to be grateful for.

I encourage you to cultivate an attitude of gratitude too.

Cliché, I know. But it helps. It’s amazing how easily we forget. It’s almost second nature to focus on what we don’t have, instead of what we do.

I lived in Costa Rica a month for a mission trip. When you think of Costa Rica you probably imagine white, sandy beaches. While it’s true their beaches are gorgeous, Costa Rica is a third world country and the cities are far from tropical paradises. The crime rate is high and most folks barely make enough to feed their families. Oh, but the people were amazing! Most were so full of joy and gratitude for the little they had. They had the ability to focus on the things that really mattered.

I think our excess confuses us. The more we have, the more we want. We obsess over the things we believe we need or deserve. We believe the lies that commercials and advertisements tell us: that we’ll be happy, attractive, desirable, or popular if we drink a certain drink, wear those clothes or perfume, or go to that destination. Or we believe we’ll be happy when…(fill in the blank with relationship, marriage, kids, dream job, etc.)

I’m not suggesting that your desires are wrong. They could be good desires. I’m only suggesting that you don’t wait until you have them to be grateful for the blessings you already have. My hope is that you wouldn’t allow it to rob you of your joy today.

During this season and every day, I encourage you to literally count your blessings. Write them down if you have to! Say them out loud to your family or friends. I've already shared some of mine. Now, it’s your turn. 

I hope you enjoy this season and today,

Lauren

to schedule a session with Lauren, please visit www.laurendackcounseling.com.

mirror, mirror

Our bodies are complex and beautiful. Truly it’s amazing that my body has the capability of growing a child. It’s a miracle, really. Yet while most would agree that it’s beautiful thing, when we look in the mirror, “beautiful” is usually the last word we’d use to describe what we see. Or maybe I’ll just speak for myself.

The emotions I feel seem to go from one extreme to the next, and I feel this spectrum almost every day. Whew! Having a baby is both a woman’s privilege and curse. I’ve never felt more like a woman or less feminine. I am elated and depressed, tired and blessed, in love and guilty, proud and humble. But one thing I consistently feel is unattractive. I look in the mirror and I see a woman who looks 5 years older in 1 year.

These feelings change when I watch my son while he eats. I am in awe that my body not only grew him, but also that he continues to grow with the sustenance my breasts give him.  Those who know me well know that I have issues with my breasts. And that’s putting it lightly.

I’ve done a lot of personal work to make sure I am healthy as well as my marriage. However, I’ve felt tremendous guilt when I encourage my clients to love their bodies when I know that I struggle to do the same.

But what if I changed my perspective?

 I realized today that I don’t need to love my body.  After all, what’s to love about pimples and under eye circles? What I need is to make peace with it.  My body is amazing because of what it can do and what it does. My body is not perfect, but it’s perfectly lovely the way it nurtures our son.

I think we tend to focus too much on what we see in the mirror and not what we can smell, touch, taste, and hear because of our bodies. What our bodies do. I used the example of childbirth, but that’s just one of the many miracles our bodies allow us.

I encourage you to love your body if you can…and if you can’t, at least make your peace with it. Instead of focusing on the parts you hate, try to focus on your body as a whole. Instead of focusing on what you see, maybe you can focus on what your body allows you to do. (For instance, one of my favorite parts of Christmas is the way it smells. My nose may be a little large, but it provides me the ability to smell pine, cinnamon, and delicious goodies baking. I can embrace that and be grateful…and find peace in my gratitude).

           

            So while today is just a start, I feel more at peace with my body than I have in a long time. I pray the same thing for you. What parts of your body would you like to start making peace with today?

love,

Lauren
for more info about Lauren and counseling, click here.

the experience of grief

Kubler-Ross said that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The experience of grief is unique to the individual experiencing it. Some folks may only experience two of the five stages. Or, some folks never move past the denial stage or they get stuck in another stage. Additionally, these stages don’t necessarily happen in order and sometimes you can “roller coaster” back and forth between stages.

I tell my clients that often we grieve for the rest of our lives, but my hope is that I can help them experience and cope with each stage in a healthy way so that they live in the “acceptance” stage most of the time. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have depression or sadness during anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays. Or when something triggers a memory.

A few hints to help with each stage:

1.    Denial- I don’t mess with this too much at first. We have defense mechanisms for a reason and sometimes it’s our minds way of saying we aren’t ready to deal with the loss yet. If denial continues and the person continues to avoid I’ll start asking gentle questions about what’s really going on.
2.    Anger- I help the client express this and come up with healthy ways to deal with it. i.e. a letter, exercising, taking kickboxing, punching me in the stomach (kidding of course although I’m sure some folks have wanted to)
3.    Bargaining- I validate their desire to “get another chance” or make a deal with God, but I encourage them not to live in the “what if” and “if only” stage.
4.    Depression- some clients find great comfort in freely discussing their loss or loved one. I offer a place to share memories, hurts, regrets, and mixed feelings. I also encourage developing a ritual. For instance (if you are grieving because of a death), having your loved one's favorite meal on their birthday and sharing memories with loved ones. There is great freedom in rituals like this, it makes it ok to laugh and remember, or to cry if needed. Too often we stop talking about the person and in a way, lose him or her even more than we had to.
5.    Acceptance- Acceptance occurs when you decide to continue on. When you accept the loss, death, or unfilled desire/need. A friend who lost her son put it this way, “It isn’t something I’ll ever ‘get over,’ but you learn how to keep living even though everything is different and nothing will ever be the same.” Can we move from acceptance to joy? I think so. I have found many folks surprise themselves by accessing a resilience and strength they didn’t know they had. That, as a result, they can love more, laugh more, forgive more freely, and live more fully as a result of acknowledging a loss but not allowing it to define them.



For those of you who actually read this whole post, congratulations! and thank you (I know it was verbose) and blessings to you as you deal with whatever stage you are in.

Love,
Lauren
for more info about Lauren and counseling, click here.

the complexity of grief

For a long time when I thought of grief I pictured a weeping widow wearing a black veiled hat standing over the coffin or the scene from “Steel Magnolias” where Sally Field is yelling and screaming after her daughter’s funeral while her friends watch helplessly...until one friend tells her to punch her (maybe it will make her feel better!). A good cry and then an unexpected laugh...anyhow, I digress...

A wise man once told me that the majority of the work we do as therapists involves grief work. He was right, but he was talking about grief in a much broader sense than I originally realized.

Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one. However, grief is much more complex than that. You can grieve not only the loss of someone, but also the loss or absence of something (i.e.: love, innocence, marriage, etc). In my case, I grieve the absence of a mother’s love. A skilled therapist helped me acknowledge this hole in my life and allowed me to grieve it. It helped me begin to understand the motivations behind unhealthy behaviors. How about you? Is there someone or something you’ve not allowed yourself to grieve?

I ask you this not so you’ll fall apart, reopen old wounds, or feel sorry for yourself, but so that you can acknowledge the things you may have tried to cover up with eating, drinking, sex, relationships, drugs, or medication. Or maybe it will help you understand the pervasive depression, anger, or loneliness you feel. Believe me, understanding yourself and the origin of your emotions and reactions is important in your relationships. It's also necessary for your physical and emotional health. When you understand your motivations and emotions, you are better able to control them instead of unwittingly allowing them to control you (or mistakenly believing that you'll be happy when...).

Bless you and stay tuned for my next blog on the experience of grief.

Click here for more info about Lauren and counseling. 

In sickness and in health, 'til parenthood do us part?

Unfortunately, it happens all too often. Studies show that becoming parents lowers marital satisfaction. It’s easy to lose the sense of being husband and wife in the whirlwind of being Mommy and Daddy. The day-to-day grind makes it difficult to foster emotional and physical intimacy…and when there is time, couples are often too exhausted to exert the effort.

Here’s some sobering information from the popular book, On Becoming Babywise: “Great marriages produce great parents. A healthy husband-wife relationship is essential to the emotional health of children in the home….A strong marriage provides a haven of security for children…if a child perceives more weakness than strength in the relationship, we believe this perception creates low level anxiety in the child” (Ezzo & Bucknam). 

Before becoming a parent, I counseled folks on the importance of placing their marriage before parenting (of course, never to the neglect of a child’s needs) and how doing so actually makes them better parents. It was an easy enough concept to teach…but the realities and difficulties of doing so weren’t apparent until I tried it myself!

4 days old

There isn’t a “one size fits all” solution to this dilemma, but here’s some advice and tips for rekindling intimacy that I’d like you to think about and consider trying:

1.    Prioritize. Ask yourself, “What makes my relationship work?” or, “What does it take to feel intimate with my spouse?” For instance, in my marriage I need regular prayer time, intimate conversation, and physical intimacy to feel close and “in love” with Josh. His list is shorter than mine, so if my list is fulfilled, then he’s happy too!
2.    Be Intentional. Once you figure out what you need-- schedule time to do it! You may need to adjust your expectations if you think it’ll be the same as it was pre-kids, but be intentional about the time you set aside and make it count!
3.    Remember: an object in motion stays in motion. Basically, the more you do the things that make your relationship close and loving…the more you want to do them and the more natural and easy it becomes. However, this also means that the more you skip or ignore the things that make your marriage work, the easier it is to continue ignoring them and the harder it is to get “back on the wagon” so to speak.
4.    Be Accountable to your spouse and to yourself. Do you feel close to your spouse? Ask your spouse how you’re doing and if you can improve. You can also enlist a trusted friend to ask you about your marriage and to offer encouragement and empathy when you need it.
5.    Give yourself some grace. It can take a little while to adjust to parenthood—particularly mommyhood. Us moms have all kinds of hormones bonding us to our children and it’s easy to pour all our energy, attention, and love into our precious little ones. Just remind yourself that you are a better mommy when you remember how important it is to be a wife, too.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Women: A few hints for our men

I hope you’ll forgive my absence. I’ve been a little distracted… On July 1 at 8:12 our sweet Caleb was born and our lives will never be the same! Being a mom seems to be full of contradictions. I am exhausted, but so full of love for our little man I can hardly stand it. I’m pretty sure he’s perfect and I’m honored to be his Mommy.

 My last post was about men, so I’ll continue with my promised blog about women. I wonder why I made such a bold promise because I really would need to write a whole volume of books in order to truly discuss women. Women are complicated. However, for the sake of this post, I’ll offer a few simple words of wisdom directed toward men in relationships with women*:

Men,

1.    She needs to feel loved by you. She needs to hear that you love her, find her attractive, desirable, and that you appreciate her. She might know that you love her, but she needs to feel it. She needs to hear it and see it. Believe me, a little note left in a place she’ll find it can go a long way. Or send her a text in the middle of the day saying you were thinking of her. Romance doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive.
2.    Listen and pay attention. You don’t have to understand everything she’s saying. You’re not a woman, you won’t understand all her emotions—however, if you can reflect (or repeat) what she’s saying back to her, she’ll feel heard. Also, ask her about her day and listen to what she says. Look at her. Does she look tired? Offer a backrub. Did she get a haircut? Tell her it looks beautiful. Did she clean? Thank her.
3.    Feeling loved and heard is a turn on.
4.    You might have sex more if your wife feels loved, heard, and appreciated.  Just sayin.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

* As usual, I’m writing in generalities. This does not describe every woman and we are certainly all unique.

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Men

A Few Clues about Men:

Now, I’m all for equality of rights and pay for men and women—but there’s no denying that men and women are built differently. Simple anatomy and neuroscience tell us that. I’ll focus on the neuroscience since the anatomy differences are obvious. :)

 For instance, men’s brains are bigger, but women’s brains work better. What I mean by that is our left and right hemispheres are better connected, making it easier for us to access both sides and multitask with greater ease than our male counterparts. This also makes it possible for us to think of a million things at once (a blessing and a curse!). Let me tell you what this means for us relationally: we think differently than men.

Until we can at least understand the basics of not only our differences biologically, but also relationally—we will continue to assume that our partners should view and react to the world as we do. This is a huge mistake.

Ladies, have you ever said, “I told him once, he should remember!” or “I shouldn’t have to keep telling him, he should know what I want.” or “If I have to ask him, then that defeats the purpose and it’s not romantic anymore!” Hey, I’ve been there too, but let me tell you why this kind of thinking is flawed and will ultimately just makes our men feel inadequate.

Why? Because: 1. He really didn’t remember. 2. He cannot read your mind 3. He needs things spelled out for him. Men are not good at reading between the lines. Remember what I said about their brains? Men can focus on one thing at a time and almost literally turn off the rest of their brains. When he was watching the game, it’s possible that he really didn’t hear you (amazing, huh?). Men are simple. If you ask him what he's thinking and he says, "nothing" he may be telling you the truth!

 Also, when men sense disapproval they normally run away, become defensive, or shut down. Believe it or not, men are sensitive! They desire our respect and approval. And like we all do, they respond much better to positive reinforcement than to punishment (“nagging” etc).

I know it goes against the grain and the fairy tale romances we see on TV, but ladies, it’s ok to ask for what you need/want. In fact, it’s crucial that you do. Your husband will appreciate not having to decipher code to understand what you want from him and you will (hopefully) appreciate a much more attentive and engaged husband.

Here are a couple examples of what I mean:
-    “I appreciate how hard you work to help support our family, but when you come home from work I really need a few minutes to myself after being with the kids all day. Would you mind giving me 30 minutes to read, take a bath…?”
-     “I miss you spending quality time with you, can we go on a date tonight (or turn the TV off tonight)?"

Good luck and stay tuned for my next blog about women!


to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Fighting Fair

Healthy Communication

Ah, communication... In my practice, this tends to be the number one complaint couples give. It’s nice and benign and broad, but rarely is communication the real problem in most relationships. It’s definitely a problem, but it’s usually a symptom of a deeper issue.

Maybe he doesn’t feel respected or that anything he does is ever good enough and maybe she doesn’t feel loved. Maybe they have poor boundaries and have allowed others into their marriage either physically or emotionally somehow. Perhaps they don’t feel “in-love” anymore or they just don’t like each other. Or, they haven’t forgiven each other and resentment has poisoned their marriage…It could be anything.

However, I still help clients with their conflict resolution skills first and listen for the deeper issues in that process. I figure out what they normally fight about. Not surprisingly, I find that most folks have the same fight over and over again (same song, different verse). Rather than get caught up in their individual fights, I try to understand what is really being said in those fights. Instead of, “you never take me out on dates anymore!!” what she may be actually saying is, “I feel unloved, unimportant, and unattractive!” but what he hears is: “you aren’t good enough and what you do for our family is neither appreciated or noticed.”

Once we can decipher what we really mean and how we really feel, we can learn to say it better and more clearly.

I don’t believe God was trying to be cruel when he made men and women so differently: I’m not sure, but maybe he wanted us to work at it. Maybe he wanted us to bring out the best in each other instead of the worst.

Stay tuned for more on communication and male/female differences in my next blog post!

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Reasonably Happy

When asked the goal of their therapy, many clients reply, “I just want to be happy.” It’s certainly a lofty goal, and I understand where it comes from. Who wouldn't want to be happy? I then explore further to figure out what they mean when they say “happy.” Most folks are not sure. It is some nebulous, unidentifiable good feeling, something they’ll “just know” when they have it.

So many of us truly believe that happiness is just one product away, or one “right” person away. We live our lives believing that all our problems will be solved “if only I meet the right man/woman to love me well” or “if only I got that car” or “if I were skinny.” Culture tells us that if we wear the right things, look a certain way, and drink the right products we’ll be satisfied and happy. We hope for the fairy tale or the quick fix.
   
It is then when I very lovingly tell my clients something they do not want to hear: “you will never always feel happy.” It is impossible. Happiness is a feeling, just like sadness or anger or even the “in love” feeling I talked about earlier. The best we can hope for is contentment and hope. The best we can do is satisfy ourselves with the Truth. We are not here for only ourselves, and our lives have a purpose…if we are only willing to identify and act on it.

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen. 

(Reinhold Neibuhr)

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Stressed Out?

Stressed Out: the Busyness Phenomenon*

Physician Larry Dossey coined the term “time sickness” in 1982 to describe the belief that time is getting away, we don’t have enough of it, and that we must push harder and harder to keep up. By this definition, most of us are “sick” all the time. But this isn’t new to you, by now, I’m sure most people have heard the damage long-term stress and exhaustion inflicts on our bodies. Some symptoms include: pain, heart disease, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, depression, obesity, autoimmune diseases, and skin conditions such as eczema to name a few.

  Not only does stress negatively affect our bodies, but it also affects our relationships. Dr. James Dobson said, “Overcommitment and exhaustion are the most insidious and pervasive marriage killers you will ever encounter as a couple.” Usually we are too tired or too preoccupied that we cannot fully engage with the people we love most. They get what’s leftover after we’ve given others our full energy.

Have you ever met anyone that wore his or her busyness as a badge of honor? The folks who don’t have time to answer the phone, and if they do, give you a list of all they have to do? Perhaps the person is you. The primary gain of being busy seems to be productivity (which aids a person’s feeling of worth). But just under the surface, the secondary gain of busyness also may keep us from reflecting on the deeper issues of our lives: the conversations we need to have, the thoughts, feelings, and even people we dread, or even addictions (food, pornography, gambling, shopping, etc) that we need to address. 

If this sounds like you, and you are ready to take steps to take back your time, here are a few ideas:

1.    Quit serving leftovers. It’s always sad when we realize that we’re giving the people we love most our leftover energy, attention, and time. Consider setting aside specific time for your spouse, kids, and friends and leaving your blackberry or computer off or somewhere else.
2.    Examine your secondary gains. Do you feel like you’re only as good as your “productivity?” When you examine yourself more closely, are there unresolved issues, conversations, people, and/or addictions you are avoiding? Consider counseling as an option for exploring and healing.
3.    Learn to say no gracefully. Surgeon Berne Siegel said, “People who neglect their own needs are the ones who are most likely to become ill. For them, the main problem is learning to say “no” without feeling guilty.” Make a list of your commitments and examine them carefully. Is there anything you can let go of or you’d like to say “no” to? Discuss the list with a trusted friend or family member. Perhaps he or she can help provide a different perspective and help you prioritize the parts of your life you are not willing to compromise- your family and health.

* Article modified and abridged from “Busyness: The Archenemy of Every Life” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Happy Marriage!

10 Rules to Live by…*

1. I will communicate my expectations and not take it for granted that my spouse understands what I need or want.

2. I will verify my assumptions so that I have accurate information and feedback.

3.  I will strive toward understanding my spouse’s feelings and thoughts on a matter first, without criticism, before attempting to resist and fight or even negotiate and compromise.

4.  I will focus on resolving the issues and not attempt to make my spouse or our relationship the problem.

5.  I will give myself and my spouse permission to take a “time-out” from the discussion when it’s requested or needed, as long as I give a specific time frame when we will resume problem solving.

6.  I will take ownership of, and be completely accountable for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors first, without shifting blame toward my spouse.

7.  I will not attempt to control my spouse with sarcasm, rage, threats, manipulation, shame, jealousy, or silence.

8.  I will be responsive and not reactive when discussing issues or receiving feedback about my behavior from my spouse.

9.  I will actively seek the forgiveness of my spouse when I am aware of any wrongdoing on my part, and I will extend forgiveness when it’s asked for.

10.  I will have a passionate marriage, one comprised of emotional and physical intimacy.

*adapted from “Well Done: the Rules for Creating a Win-Win Process in Marriage” by Eric Scalise

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

What is love?

Before I attempt to answer this age old question, I’ll start by first telling you what love is not: love is not the butterflies in our stomachs, the goosebumps when skin touches skin, the long day dreams and feelings of “walking on air.” It is not the racing heart, the tingle all the way down to our toes, and the excitement of the first kiss. These things are good and wonderful until we mistake them for love.

What I’ve described is what Gary Chapman calls “the in love feeling.”  When we mistake these things for love we tend to chase this feeling. We chase the buzz of the beginning and become dissatisfied or feel as though we’ve fallen out of love when they’re gone. Believing that the in love feeling is love sets us up for serial dating, one-night stands, fantasies about past relationships and/or affairs.

As a counselor, I like to ask my clients how they define love. Their answers tell me a lot about their past and current relationships. You see, the way we define love can set us up to fail or to be successful in relationships. When someone tells me that love and happiness are synonymous, I worry. We tend to buy into what the movies and fairy tales tell us: that one person will come and make all our dreams come true, complete us and make us feel whole, happy, and attractive, and that love is easy. We believe that if we find the “right” person we will be happy when we should instead focus on becoming the right person.

 Now, I’m not suggesting that the “right” definition of love will guarantee marital or relational bliss. I am, however, saying that really understanding and believing that love is not butterflies and tingles, but a conscious choice can help us toward marital satisfaction. Understanding that love is a choice can help us practice fidelity and remember that relationships require nurturing and care.

So what is love? Love is a choice made by an imperfect person to love an imperfect person. It is a choice to stay with that person even when it’s hard. It’s a choice to try. It’s a choice to let your differences be meet with understanding, acceptance, and even joy. Is there passion? Yes, but after a while it’s mostly not the explosive kind. It’s the kind of passion that comes from true intimacy: the gift of truly knowing someone and choosing him or her anyway*.

*Please understand I am not advocating staying in marriages or relationships where there is any kind of abuse.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here!

Why does God allow suffering?

I love being a counselor...I really do. It's a privilege to be invited into someone's story and offered the opportunity to aid a healthier life. It's amazing, but it's also hard. I get front row seats to people's pain and suffering and let me tell you, I experience it with them. Not in the way my clients do, but I feel it too. I could write a book on seeing life from a counselor's perspective, but I'll spare you for now. Instead, I'd like to try and answer a question I often hear: "Why did God allow my suffering? and/or "Where was God?"

I am using Tim Keller's format from his book, "The Reason for God" (highly recommend) to aid me in this lofty endeavor.

I'll preface with the acknowledgment that there isn't one answer to this question. Rarely is there one answer for questions such as these. I'll give several answers, some of which apply to your suffering and some that don't.

The 2 most popular answers to the problem of pain is this:
- the Free Will Theodicy- this says that God gave us free will so that we might choose him (as opposed to His ability to make us robots who serve Him mindlessly). He had no use for robots and instead wanted a relationship with us. He wanted us to love Him and love requires a choice. Unfortunately, this also gives us the opportunity to choose evil. Much of the suffering is not because of God, but the cruel, selfish, and evil choices of human beings.
- The Punishment Theodicy- most objections to suffering are because we don't believe we deserve to suffer. We believe we deserve a comfortable life from God. However, this idea doesn't have a Biblical basis. In fact, we find many stories of suffering in the Bible.

Both of these theodicies have value, but they are incomplete and still leave us wanting for more. What about natural disasters? and why does the distribution of suffering seem so random?

So what else? What does the Bible say about suffering? (Directly quoting Tim Keller's "Reason for God discussion guide, page 59)
It says that Christians suffer...
- for our own sake. to learn who God is (Psalm 46; Daniel 4:24-37), to learn to trust God (2 Corinthians 1:8-9) and obey Him (Psalm 119:67-72), to become more like Jesus (Romans 8:18-29), and to reach maturity of character (Romans 5:3-4, Hebrews 12:1-11)
- for the sake of others. That God's people may have courage (Philippians 1:14) and power (2 Corinthians 4:7-12)
- for Christ's sake. To identify with Christ (Galatians 2:0), and to share in His sufferings and glory (1 Peter 4:12-16, Philippians 1:29, 3:8-10, Romans 8:17-18, 2 Corinthians 4:17)

Another answer is that we simply cannot comprehend God's reason for suffering. I, for one, cannot pretend to have the intellectual capacity to fully understand God or His reasons.

John 11:32- 35: "When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.“Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept."

I added this verse to illustrate that God is not a passive observer to our pain. He weeps with us, He mourns with us, and like any good Father--he hates seeing us hurting. I can also tell you with certainty that He doesn't abandon us either. I know it can feel as though He has, but we know He has always promised His presence.

I'll also add this, and I'll speak from my own experience: I would not be who I am today if not for my own pain and suffering. I wouldn't be very good at counseling if I didn't understand pain, loneliness, and despair. We have the ability to choose our response to suffering and pain: we can ask for help, allow our grief, and make it into something good by creating meaning for it. Does that make our suffering ok? No. but I believe it gives us a reason and purpose to continue living when it'd be easier to give up.

to learn more about Lauren and counseling, click here.